Relationship Rupture? Don't Despair, just Repair
I, like everyone else that I have ever come into contact with, do not like the feelings of disconnection that comes when I am arguing or disagreeing with a partner, friend, coworker or even a fellow commuter on the highway. Ruptures is relationship suck, no getting around that and the more time you spend with someone the more opportunities for rupture. Themes I hear often in the office are; “We fight too much”, “I feel so disconnected from him/her”, “We do not know how to stop arguing”, “We are never on the same page” and so on. If we distill down the messages behind all these sentiments the message is clear, we all feel powerless frustrations when relationships do not have the tone of safety and soothing connection. Interestingly the research points to some paradoxically comforting trends. If a caregiver and child are considered to have a “healthy relationship”, it means that they are in “mutual coordination” (think, on the same page) only 30% of the time [Tronick, 1989*]. The comfort implied in this research softens that expectation to “always get along and never fight” that many of us place on our relationships. So, when in disconnection do not despair, instead work on the skill of repair. Relationship experts talk frequently about how a couple coming back together is far more important than how frequently a couple falls apart. Due to the effort required to repair disconnection, many of us avoid practicing this skill. However, investing in creative and consistent repair is the only true investment in a relationship that always pays back.
ACTION:
Name, Notice, Nurture: When you become aware of a disconnection with your partner take a moment to identify what you feel the disconnection is about (NAME), then investigate how it feels for you/both of you to be disconnected (NOTICE), then ask yourself or your partner “What would bring us back together?” (NURTURE) and then ACT on this awareness. It's important to state that this can be done even without your partner or someone you are disconnected to participating.
Let’s talk, I can help.
-TM
*Tronick, E. Z. (1989). Emotions and emotional communication in infants. American Psychologist, 44(2), 112–119.