The 3C KEY
I am currently reading The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation by Deb Dana and it has been an incredible read so far, profiling the power of our survival instinct and how understanding our autonomic nervous system can lead to powerful growth and healing. I wanted to share a small portion of the book that we can all benefit from. Therapists like mnemonics and for this concept I have used the “3C Key” rhyme tag to help us remember a strategy to decouple from the negative effects of comparison.
Dana states, citing research that supports her assertion, that human beings are unable to not compare ourselves to others. Whether that comparison is upward (comparing oneself to people/situations “better than” your own) or downward (comparing oneself to people/situation “worse than” your own), both can trap us in habitual competition or feelings of “not good enough”. This critical comparison and competition activates the famous Fight or Flight reaction in the mind and body, which in turn keeps us stressed, depressed and anxious. The key to unlocking this harmful habit is to use the 3C method as follows:
- When you find yourself aware that you are comparing yourself to anyone or anything take a moment and pause by activating C #1:
Curiosity: With a kind tone of genuine curiosity investigate the goal, tone and consequence of your comparison.
“What am I trying to accomplish by comparing right now?”
“What does this comparison feel like in my body?”
“What is the emotional tone or consequence of this comparison?”
- Secondly, with the awareness and insights gained through Curiosity, move to C #2:
Compassion: Be gentle and loving to yourself in this moment and honor that fact that you are wired to compare and what you are doing is just trying to survive in a complicated social world.
ACTION - Place one or both hands on your heart and allow for that embrace to feel soothing, as though it was coming from a loved one or the kindest version of yourself.*
* I know this sounds corny, and many of my more masuline clients resist this compassionate skill training, but I promise it is a powerful investment in yourself. Give it a try, it works.
- Lastly, couple the first two C’s to engage C #3:
Connection: Using the information gained through Curiosity and Compassion; Connect to what it is you truly need in the moment. Taking responsibility for that need, how do you deserve to act or think moving forward?
I hope this 3C Key idea helps. I would be honored to work with you to guide you towards a lasting connection to yourself and others that leads to satisfaction and safety.
TM